Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
