I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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