watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
