look no pants
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
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It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
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My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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