How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
