Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I've blown a few things in my day
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
