Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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