i think my tv is drunk
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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