the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
