Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
