I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
