Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
