"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Randomize
