I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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