This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
