Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
