And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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