I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
