just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
