I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
