Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
