i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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