Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
