were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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