There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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