so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
