Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
please come you make the beer taste better
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
