I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
