Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
