He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
