I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
