When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
