Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
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Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
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She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize