Pants 0. Shit 1.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
