ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
