I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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