We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
