So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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