normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
