and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
