i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize