I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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