Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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