Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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