I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
