im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
