I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
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