I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
