I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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