I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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