Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
