I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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