You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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