I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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