You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
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Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
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I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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