Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
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Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
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He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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