I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
