Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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