Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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