apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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